left behind.

currently listening to:Collide/Howie Day.

i don't know if it's the fact that i got 3 hours of sleep last night, that i did horribly on my markser midterm exam today, that i have 4 more midterm exams this week, that i have papers and papers and papers to write, that i am constantly worrying about my thesis, that the idea of getting a grand total of at even 10 hours of sleep this week would be virtually impossible, that i'm just about due for 'that time of the month', that i'm somewhere between feeling sick and being sick, that my skin is breaking out due to lack of sleep and water, and that i am constantly getting comments from siblings and friends that i am gaining weight...

but im depressed.

over the past few weeks, i have realized that i have no direction whatsoever in life. the final stab in the heart was when a good friend of mine told me the other night the same thing thats been haunting me for a while:

i have no direction. i have no direction. i have no direction.

everyone's lives seems so promising. everyone seems to know where they're headed. everyone seems to have accomplished something. everyone seems to be so motivated towards something. everyone seems to have the talent to achieve what they want to achieve. everyone seems to be so confident about where they're going.

everyone but me.

i am a laid-back person. i love just hanging around with good company. i love not doing anything--and laughing and talking the day away. i love living in the moment of things.

but lately, i've realized that i'm turning 21 in a couple of months--and i have nothing to show for it. i have no goals. i have no vision. i have no direction. and i'm really, really hating myself for it. they say that what you need is passion. well, i have the passion to be passionate about something... does that count? unfortunately, no, it doesn't.

as i stare at my "to do list" for the week, i feel the urge to cry, scream, bang my head on the wall, and stab myself with my black pilot v5 signpen. i feel myself panicking--because of my to do list, and because i'm scared about the rest of my life.

i'm officially on the verge of breaking down. i am beyond disappointed in myself. and worst of all---i feel left behind. and horribly, horribly alone.