shattered.

currently listening to:Strangers Again / Ari Hest.

i don't think i've ever been so emotionally unstable in my entire life.

in one day, the amount of extreme ups and downs i have are enough to actually scare me. i don't think anything of it... until i go through the day in my head and suddenly realize that i have no idea who i am anymore.

i dont know if it's my workload, the mere thought of my workload, or if it has absolutely nothing to do with my workload--but i'm going mad. in one day, i can laugh louder than i imagined possible, only to find myself crying hysterically a few hours later. i snap at people who i consider my greatest friends, only to find myself apologizing profusely minutes later, not knowing what came over me. i find myself laughing or smiling at the smallest things, but i find myself irritated at even smaller things. over the past few weeks, i think i have broken a world record for the total number of curses spoken and written.

earlier this evening, my sister mentioned my 'instability' when she recapped a couple of nights ago--i told her about my week ahead and was crying and begging for a hug. after giving me a hug, i automatically shut off my tears, wiped all emotion off my face, and said "okay, back to work", then sat in front of the computer and started typing away. and that's how it's been. yup. say it. i'm going crazy.

i've never been so dependent on food, lollipops, coke and hugs. i find myself insecure of everything--my weight, the growing pimples and eyebags on my face, the mosquito bites that are appearing everywhere, my arms, my lack of talent, my appetite, my values, my practices, my horrible fitting clothes, my scores on exams---even my handwriting is beginning to make me ashamed. i find myself scared of people sometimes, which is not exactly the me that people know me to be. i find myself dreading the possibility of losing people who i've been so attached to. i find myself imagining the worst--that one day, im going to wake up--and everything that matters most to me in the world is gone.

i find myself scared of nothing in particular... because i'm starting to be scared of everything.

i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i should be doing with my life. i don't know what i've done with it. i'm only 21 years old and i've seemed to have ruined my life completely.

im just so tired. im drained--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. and i don't know to do with myself.

and comments have been momentarily taken out because no virtual "hugs" or whatever can fix anything. harsh, but true.