the final stretch?

currently listening to: break me/jewel.


pressure. one thing college life has taught me to love. one thing that can scare the hell out of me and encourage me to do my best at the same time. and in a way, it's fun. but lately, i'm beginning to crack under all the pressure, and i don't think i can get anymore vulnerable than this.

critical deadlines are getting closer, the crucial dates are approaching much quicker than i thought possible, and as my friend jj says,
it's the final stretch... and it's only now i realize that maybe i've gotten myself into much more than i thought i could handle. i've let everything blow out of proportion, and now, it's too late to handle things the way they should be handled. suddenly, pressure doesn't seem so fun anymore.

i'm all mixed up. i don't know if i'll even get to the final stretch. i'm scared to death. pessimism is beginning to eat me up alive.

my head is on a completely different track from my heart, and i have no idea what i want to do with both. there are too many things to think about and not enough time to think about them all, let alone do anything about them. i'm running out of time when i don't seem to be doing anything worthwhile with it. i'm doing one thing while thinking of another, and so, nothing productive is happening. i have the best of intentions... but they seem to stay intentions, no matter how hard i try.
i seem to be taking too many unnecessary breaks, but i can't stop taking them because i can't breathe without them. but when i stop breathing, the disappointment begins. i feel that i've been nothing but a disappointment lately. to my family, and to my friends who matter most to me, and most of all, to myself. and no matter how much i want to stop disappointing everyone, i can't. because i need to breathe, too.

so many things to say, so many things to do, so many things to know, so many things to remember... and my memory decides to fail me. my body decides to give up on me. my heart decides to stop beating. my passion decides to disappear.

the final stretch? only time will tell.



sigh. and i'm complaining again. i really, really, really HATE myself when i complain!!! abhor! despise! loathe! grrrrrr!!! jeez wenk, you're such a complainer!!! grow up! get your butt off that chair and do something worthwhile for once!!! get a life!!! roar.