the waiting room.

currently listening to: crazy love/brian mcknight.


i am the type of person who asks for signs from above.

if i should do this, may i please have a sign? if i should go here, may i please have a sign? if i should say this, may i please have a sign?

a lot of the times, i forget i even ask for these signs. i ask for them in moments of desperation, when i need to consult with someone, but have no one to talk to. whether the decision be so big or small, relevant or useless, i throw my questions up in the air, and hope the right answer somehow whacks me on the head.

i am the type of person who says "bahala na si Batman" when i can't make a decision that requires an actual answer. yes, a 22 year-old who relies on Batman... but not the Batman you think--this is THE Batman of all Batmans. anyway.

of course, i sit here and realize that i have absolutely no idea how many of these 'signs' were answered in the past--if they were at all. i ask for all these signs, and don't really care whether or not i get an answer. in fact, i've forgotten the millions of questions i've asked. even when i ask, i somehow know i won't be getting an answer. i can decide on my own.

i know that Batman doesn't hear my questions, and that he doesn't actually go around at the speed of lightning trying to fix things and situations for me before i get there.

am i relying too much on faith? on fate? am i relying too much on external forces to find the easy way out? am i relying on all of this just so that i have something to believe in? yes, i think so.

but in times like these, i don't just want my "answer from above"--
i need it. i need reassurance, that somehow, things will be alright, but need more than my friends saying "it will be okay." i need to know that i'm on the right track, and that the decisions i'm making aren't just gut-based and spur of the moment this time. i need to know that "this is it" and "this is what you have to do." i need to know that The Mastermind from above hasn't forgotten me or given up on me completely.

i know the saying that goes something like 'you can't just rely on fate, you have to do something about it, too.' but in my situation, i don't know what more i can do. i don't know how to help myself, or how to know whether or not i'm doing the right thing. i'm so unbelievably clueless and helpless that i feel utterly pathetic.

so in times like these, i rely on faith and fate and Batman and external forces. i want to rely on faith and fate and Batman and external forces.
i need to rely on faith and fate and Batman and external forces.

i've asked my questions with more faith than i thought i even had. i've tossed them up in the air as high as i could toss them. i've waited and waited and waited. i've gotten no response. so now what? i continue to wait and wait and wait. because i honestly don't know the answer. because waiting is all i have left.