alexander the... homosexual.

currently listening to:Crush/Dave Matthews Band.

last friday, ilse (who did NOT warn me the movie was almost 3 hours long...) and i went to see...



and let me just say, it's not something i plan on seeing ever again.

*warning, semi-spoilers ahead!*

to those who have seen it, maybe you can relate to my "why i hate the movie" list:

* the very, very dragging first 10 minutes of the movie. (then we skip to the middle of the movie, because i fell asleep...).
* farrell's friggin' assistant!!! OH MY GOD! he just... appears in the stupidest of scenes!!! and his dancing!!! *gasps for breath*
* jared leto's 3-inch eyeliner. (but those were NICE eyes, though!)
* that assistant!!!
* angelina jolie's... "accent".
* the amount of homosexuality in the movie. honestly. i have nothing against homosexuals... i know that in those days, homosexuality was just the way things were done... but...i think they focused on it a weeeee too much! and that assistant!!!
* the leg cramps you get from sitting in your seat for almost 3 hours. my goodness.
* did i mention the assistant?!?

fine, fine. it wasn't that bad. there were good things about it, too:

* in fairness, the set was pretty good. so was the cinematography.
* the actor who played colin farrell as a child was adorable.
* some scenes were just plain...funny. like the horse vs. elephant pose. aaaaaah. a kodak moment indeed.
* it DID give me the sleep i've been needing. i got a total of 30 minutes rest in festival mall cinema 5.
* you get to either plan the rest of your day (or life!).. or bond with the person beside you... because you need to find some sort of distraction just to stay awake.

the end.

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my replies to your comments are now... in the comments box. tamad na ako eh. (and patty's probably laughing at me now!) :).

braindead.

currently listening to: Mystery/Indigo Girls.

amazingly enough, it's 9pm. this is one of the few blog posts written before 1am (when my brain is at it's best.)

i feel frustrated because i want to blog about so many things, but i can't seem to find the time.

with roughly 3 weeks left in the term, i am looking "forward" to working on the following:

drumroll please...

* 4 quizzes.

* 2 final presentations.

* 2 reaction papers.

* 4 final papers.

and to top it all off...

* thesis.

of course, there's nothing i can do but continue on doing what i've been doing... (what did i just say!?!) which is sleeping at 4,5 or 6am and waking up at 7,8 or 9am... which (if my brain still knows how to add) roughly adds up to 2-5 hours of sleep a day. every single day. goodness. i miss my bed.

in fact, a couple of days ago at about 2am, i texted my friend a message that said:

"grabe. my brain is so dead... and so is my brain."

of course, what i meant to say was "my brain is so dead... and so is my body", but obviously, that's not the message he received. i told my sister about it, and she told me that she was seriously doubting the quality of the papers i would be submitting this term.

har har.

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* sisig and *coke*.
* an extremely large ballpen.
* late night conversations.
* go nuts donuts. go buts lo ruts.
* ym conferences.
* researching fun(!) at the library.
* laughing and backstabbing(!) at mcdonald's.
* kris-kringling.
* residency.
* nothing but mp3-ing.
* hugs.
* yearbook distribution.
* teriyaki boy.
* max brenner.
* cruz or mejia.
* wish-granting.
* just "holding" the phone.
* shopping for things "with a hole" and "at least 5 colors."
* cramming reports, plays and presentations.
* ice, luwa and bow.
* really noisy parrots.
* "he forwarded me a quote!"
* laughtrip trips home.
* aswangs.
* chocnut. mentos. waffle dogs. oreos.
* pancake house-ing.
* a bright green pool.

if any of the above mean anything at all to you--then chances are, you've been nothing but a blessing to me over the last few weeks.

the past 2 or 3 weeks have been a nightmare, and yet, i am amazed with how much fun and laughter i've been able to enjoy amidst the excruciating stress.

thank you (oh so much!) to the people who have made my days bearable. thank you for the constant reminders that there's much more to life than schoolwork, and even when schoolwork's all there is--that can be fun, too.

salamat. maraming, maraming salamat.

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yogi: a discovery is a discovery. thus, i can't tell you. hahahahahah.
albert: the magic word! the key to my heart! the answer to all questions!!! foooood!!! :).
cris: indeed, it is! thanks for dropping in :).
chx: it's hard eh! kasi she won't admit that she's leaving! duuuuuh!
r: yeah, yeah, i dont need reminding;).
roanne: so what's your excuse? hahah:).
mamang wala ng ginawa kundi magbasa tungkol sa aswang: ang haba naman ng name mo. ang weird siguro ng nanay mo:).
kimmy: aww, you're too sweet!

nonsense.

currently listening to:Windmills of Your Mind/Sting.

no, sorry to disappoint you, i have not given up blogging. i have been going through a horribly hybrid state of stress and laziness, which i think is a perfectly valid excuse for not posting. haha, defensive. anyway.

i've desperately been wanting to blog the entire week. there were so many things i've been wanting to share with whomever is bored enough to read my blog--such as my really strange dreams at night, the things i've learned from reading 'by the river piedra i sat down and wept', newfound and "oldfound"(!) songs, places i've been going to, people i've been hanging out with again, things i've laughed about this week, as well as the things i've cried over... you have no idea how long "the list of topics i want to blog about" is.

but i won't blog about these things, because once again, i am stressed and lazy... and very, very hungry.

*i am perfectly aware how senseless this post is. hey, it's my blog. don't read if you don't want to. but please comment! haha! =)

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vera: i agree with 101%. dealing with changes should be done as soon as possible. otherwise, you might just blow up. (err.. where did that come from?)
ilse: i've told you this before... you scare me, sometimes* =). hope to see you soon, rabbit!
karlo: i'm not forcing you.. di 'wag! hehe! =)
albert: paolo, my papa?!? holy crap!
ches: im emotional kasi one of my dearest friends is leaving for another country... and she won't even admit it! =(
ryx: you always make sense! even when you talk about nonsense!
ilovesaturday: thanks for passing by!
yogi: hahaha, whatever.

closing cycles.

currently listening to:All Kinds Of Time/Fountains of Wayne.

it's never easy moving on. it seem so much easier (yet masochistic) to sit on a chair and cry your eyes out--reading old letters and reliving "the" moments, or to grab a few friends and get drunk over a lost love. but it doesn't work that way. we can't be that way forever. we have to learn to move on--otherwise, the world will move on without us...

and we gain nothing.

found this one in my inbox from kimmy.

-----------------------------

"Closing Cycles" by Paolo Coelho.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts--and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person--nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

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podi: haha, inuman? where? i'm in! ;)
kimmy: you always seem to find posts that say exactly what i need to. galing.
ilse: and the fact that i dont think im ever going to get to 'kindly ones' makes me cry!
albert: you should try reading. really. there's a whole new world to see!
pj: we should communicate in person more often ;)
yebah man: oh my gosh! cartoons?! do you know how many people have said that to me?!
melai: indeed, it is =).
jackie: libre ni jc!!! ;)
chx: haha! love is ironic, surprises are even more ironic! ;)
mal: galing mo naman magsulat!!!
jajey: sure, i'll link you up! thanks for visiting!
roanne: man, that was a deep comment! my brain is still interpreting ;)
karlo: ebtg? lisa loeb forever! hahahaha!
vera: i agree completely. but you love again in time =).

on love.

currently listening to:orange sky/alexi murdoch.


something that says exactly what i want to say.
something that fits my mood perfectly.

*taken from Neil Gaiman's Sandman: The Kindly Ones:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.I hate love."

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albert: thank you talaga. hahahah.
karlo: if that's the case, when are we going on our mcdo rendezvous?
ryx: thanks! i love it too! heheheh. welcome back to the blogging world!
phillip: mmm, that sounds really good. now i want pizza. tara! you're treat!
jingo: haha, we should make a club! the cramming society! =).

the wee hours of the morning.

currently listening to: crying like a church on monday/new radicals.

a couple of months ago, i had to write either a poem or a short story about "my favorite time of the day."

without a second thought, i instantly thought of "the wee hours of the morning", where i believe everything important actually happens.

i'm a crammer by nature, and i love it. if there's anything for the next morning, whether it may be papers to write or exams to study for, i won't start until midnight, because any other time would be "too early." i don't know why, but it's at this time that my brain really works best. i study better, i write better, i concentrate better... i even sing better! (of course, i'm really the only judge of that).

i love knowing that the whole household is fast asleep and that i'm the only one awake. almost every single night, you can find me very contentedly listening to my mp3 playlist, talking to a friend on the phone, chatting with friends on ym, and putting my thoughts down on a password-protected-word document. my "day" usually ends when one of my parents wake up, about to start their day, and yell at me for still being awake.

at this time of the day, i'm alone.. but not really. haha, that sounds scary.

at this time of the day, i am alone. with my music. with my friends. with myself.

-----------------------

There's something about the evening,
and the peacefulness of it all.
I believe that I can fall in love,
Beginning with a phone call.

There's something about sundown,
And how the day is about to end,
I look for some good conversation,
And can find solace in an old friend.

There's something about the twilight,
The magic in the air,
It makes me feel everything will be okay,
And all sorts of troubles, I can bear.

There's something about the nighttime,
When everyone has called it a day,
I can stop all the smiling and laughing,
And act my colors of blue and gray.

There's something about the darkness,
As I imagine the light that could be,
And I believe that maybe someday,
I'll understand things like destiny.

There's something about the stars in the sky,
And how they shine down on me,
With them, I'm constantly assured
There are wonders in life I have yet to see.

There's something about the brightness of the moon,
And how it can emit so much light,
I feel like everything is possible,
And somehow, things will be all right.

bow.
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albert: aaah, the real world. the sucky, sucky real world. and thanks for the layout. really. sobra. grabe. thank you. =).
dawn: heheh, your experience shows through your last comment ;). i miss you, dearie!
phillip: oo ba! your treat pa nga eh! where have you been? blog!!! =).
jingo: hahahaha! oh, yes i do! unfortunately, we've seen each other in very... err.. embarassing high school situations we'd probably like to forget forever =).
roanne: i agree with you whole-heartedly =).
ilse: no, you can't. buti nalang we can eat with our mouths. wenk.
r: my school... =).
yogi: hehe, so why doesn't your head get a haircut? is it only for caps? ;)
yebah man: haha, sira ka talaga. di mo pa ako kinukwentuhan ah!
jay: kasalanan mo 'tong lahat! ikaw kasi! heheheh =).
bianca: hehe, thanks for the compliment. lennon eh? you'll get along well with yogs =).
tiepee: your cynical comments are always welcome, basta mag-comment ka. haha. =).

all you need is love.

currently listening to: The Greatest Story Ever Told/Oliver James.

it's sad when you realize that getting older makes things different... especially the way you live your life and make decisions.

i was having a conversation with jj earlier, and we were talking for quite a while, and we were talking about relationships and love... (and all that jazz!), and it left me with questions that really got me thinking and itching to blog.

at what age did we stop listening to our hearts and start listening to our heads?

i guess that i just find it sad to see how "mature" we've gotten. when we were... err... young and impulsive, if you liked someone and that person liked you back--kaboom! another couple to live happily ever after--usually until another person comes along, hehe. the idea of love was just so simple. being young, we were told to just follow our hearts, and to remember that love conquers all. as john lennon would say, "all you need is love."

nowadays, it isn't quite as simple as that. how i wish.

falling in love just isn't the fairytale we've imagined. it's no longer as magical. when one starts to fall for someone else, worries and insecurities start pouring in, such as will i get hurt again?, is he really THE one?, is he just on the rebound?, am i even going to marry him? unfortunately, the questions are endless and the answers remain unknown.

when two people like each other, there are factors (tens and hundreds and thousands of them) to consider. you just can't follow your heart when it comes to relationships--because there's too much involved. there's too much at stake. giving up everything for love, no matter how romantic it may seem, just isn't as easy as it sounds anymore.

at this point, most of us have been hurt by someone we've cared deeply about. we know what it's like to cry over an argument. we know what it's like to lose someone. we know what it's like to be rejected...

... and what happens after we lose someone?

we are told to "learn from our experiences".

unfortunately, it's these very experiences that, as jj would say, "jade" our perspective on love. it's these very experiences that make us so skeptical whether or not the feelings we have are real. it's these very experiences that make us so doubtful when we hear things we've heard before from someone else. it's these very experiences that make us more careful...

... so that our fall isn't too bad. so that we don't get too hurt.

so we live in the moment and listen to our hearts...

... but we think before we act.

aaah, the irony.

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albert: yes, it IS a nice poem, isn't it? unfortunately, life isn't that simple. oh well. =)
kate: thank you for that really nice comment. you're a very great person--and you better know that!!!
kimmy: i liked that. all who wander are not lost. all who wander are not lost. =).
yogi: i should know better than to quote Lennon, i'm sorry. hehe.
r: thanks =). heroin eh? hehe.
vera: happier--depending on the day. haha. i've missed you sweetie!
roanne: yeah, it really does. too bad i didn't write it =).
kessa: thanks kessa! take care, too =).

words to live by.

currently listening to: Love Alone/Caedmon's Call.

a couple of posts ago, i was releasing my frustration in my search for direction. if it's possible to sum up the answers to the question 'how to live life', well... this is it.

thanks to a friend who unknowingly reminded me how to live life by sharing with me this poem.

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Desiderata
Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


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r: sorry about the uaap stuff! i promised myself id stop blogging about it... (but i can still ym you about it!)
yogi: once again you have proven that lennon knows all!
chesca: i love you, sweetie... please don't go! =).
yebah man: hahah, sira ka talaga. hi daw sabi ni marco! see you in class!