in for a ride.

currently listening to:Caught Up In Your Love/Ari Hest.

as i read my blog posts, both in this one and my old blog, i realize how many emotional rollercoasters i've gone on the past few years.

thank God I survived another one--one of the larger ones i've ever been on, actually. i've never been so certain in my life that there are much larger and longer rollercoasters in store for me this upcoming year. i'm extremely certain of that. huge rollercoasters. gigantic. loops, turns, extreme vertical falls. rides without a safety belt. i can and will get through it. just like we all do. just like we have to.

to those who held my hand all throughout the ride, thank you.

shattered.

currently listening to:Strangers Again / Ari Hest.

i don't think i've ever been so emotionally unstable in my entire life.

in one day, the amount of extreme ups and downs i have are enough to actually scare me. i don't think anything of it... until i go through the day in my head and suddenly realize that i have no idea who i am anymore.

i dont know if it's my workload, the mere thought of my workload, or if it has absolutely nothing to do with my workload--but i'm going mad. in one day, i can laugh louder than i imagined possible, only to find myself crying hysterically a few hours later. i snap at people who i consider my greatest friends, only to find myself apologizing profusely minutes later, not knowing what came over me. i find myself laughing or smiling at the smallest things, but i find myself irritated at even smaller things. over the past few weeks, i think i have broken a world record for the total number of curses spoken and written.

earlier this evening, my sister mentioned my 'instability' when she recapped a couple of nights ago--i told her about my week ahead and was crying and begging for a hug. after giving me a hug, i automatically shut off my tears, wiped all emotion off my face, and said "okay, back to work", then sat in front of the computer and started typing away. and that's how it's been. yup. say it. i'm going crazy.

i've never been so dependent on food, lollipops, coke and hugs. i find myself insecure of everything--my weight, the growing pimples and eyebags on my face, the mosquito bites that are appearing everywhere, my arms, my lack of talent, my appetite, my values, my practices, my horrible fitting clothes, my scores on exams---even my handwriting is beginning to make me ashamed. i find myself scared of people sometimes, which is not exactly the me that people know me to be. i find myself dreading the possibility of losing people who i've been so attached to. i find myself imagining the worst--that one day, im going to wake up--and everything that matters most to me in the world is gone.

i find myself scared of nothing in particular... because i'm starting to be scared of everything.

i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i should be doing with my life. i don't know what i've done with it. i'm only 21 years old and i've seemed to have ruined my life completely.

im just so tired. im drained--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. and i don't know to do with myself.

and comments have been momentarily taken out because no virtual "hugs" or whatever can fix anything. harsh, but true.

missing.

currently listening to:Change Your Mind/Sister Hazel.

little by little, i find myself being swallowed by some personality that is not my own. by some sort of life that is only vaguely familiar, as if it were not mine.

i find myself being buried under lists and lists and lists of things that have yet to be done within the next few days, weeks and months--and the list shows no sign of growing shorter.

i find myself composing papers in my head as i take a shower or wait in line for my food.

i find myself wishing that i forgot my phones at home, if only to avoid more 'kris, can you....' texts and calls. i find myself wishing that i hadn't charged their batteries. in fact, i find myself dreading each call or text message that comes in.

i find myself spending more and more on food, because that's what i turn to when i'm in need of comfort. of course, i then find myself frantically trying to find a pair of pants that fit the next day, or a shirt that doesn't make me look pregnant.

i find myself being the butt of more and more jokes because i've been making more and more errors due to lack of sleep. today for example, i had lunch with my friends, and i started eating the food that my friend ordered... for himself. oops.

i find myself sleeping later and later in the wee hours of the morning, and thus find myself missing more and more and more and more and more classes.

i find myself living on lollipops lately, if only to have something stuck in my mouth to ensure that i can't fall asleep while reading chapters or writing papers (without difficulty, at least).

i find myself being totally dependent on the music of Sister Hazel, Dave Matthews Band and Ari Hest--so that at least somehow, i have people to "interact with". So i don't go too crazy.

i find myself wondering in disgust why i'm on the yearbook's literary team when i can't seem to spell "describes" on the first try. i typed in "describers" waaay too many times for me not to notice. the same goes for the word "unjustice." hee haw.

i find myself pressing ctrl+s (save) when all im doing is chatting with a friend on ym. talk about good habits.

i find myself wondering what on EARTH i am doing blogging at 10:27pm on a thursday night when i have 4 papers to write for tomorrow and have to wake up at 6:01am. goodness. what was i thinking?

sigh. so there you go. an update on my life.

humor me.

currently listening to:Strangers Again / Ari Hest.

If you read this journal...
even if I don't speak to you often,
post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want.
It can be good or bad,
Just so long as it happened.

Then post this on your journal.
See what people remember about you.

=)

sigh.

currently listening to:Champagne High/Sister Hazel.



how did that happen?

what do i do now?

why me?