the waiting room.

currently listening to: crazy love/brian mcknight.


i am the type of person who asks for signs from above.

if i should do this, may i please have a sign? if i should go here, may i please have a sign? if i should say this, may i please have a sign?

a lot of the times, i forget i even ask for these signs. i ask for them in moments of desperation, when i need to consult with someone, but have no one to talk to. whether the decision be so big or small, relevant or useless, i throw my questions up in the air, and hope the right answer somehow whacks me on the head.

i am the type of person who says "bahala na si Batman" when i can't make a decision that requires an actual answer. yes, a 22 year-old who relies on Batman... but not the Batman you think--this is THE Batman of all Batmans. anyway.

of course, i sit here and realize that i have absolutely no idea how many of these 'signs' were answered in the past--if they were at all. i ask for all these signs, and don't really care whether or not i get an answer. in fact, i've forgotten the millions of questions i've asked. even when i ask, i somehow know i won't be getting an answer. i can decide on my own.

i know that Batman doesn't hear my questions, and that he doesn't actually go around at the speed of lightning trying to fix things and situations for me before i get there.

am i relying too much on faith? on fate? am i relying too much on external forces to find the easy way out? am i relying on all of this just so that i have something to believe in? yes, i think so.

but in times like these, i don't just want my "answer from above"--
i need it. i need reassurance, that somehow, things will be alright, but need more than my friends saying "it will be okay." i need to know that i'm on the right track, and that the decisions i'm making aren't just gut-based and spur of the moment this time. i need to know that "this is it" and "this is what you have to do." i need to know that The Mastermind from above hasn't forgotten me or given up on me completely.

i know the saying that goes something like 'you can't just rely on fate, you have to do something about it, too.' but in my situation, i don't know what more i can do. i don't know how to help myself, or how to know whether or not i'm doing the right thing. i'm so unbelievably clueless and helpless that i feel utterly pathetic.

so in times like these, i rely on faith and fate and Batman and external forces. i want to rely on faith and fate and Batman and external forces.
i need to rely on faith and fate and Batman and external forces.

i've asked my questions with more faith than i thought i even had. i've tossed them up in the air as high as i could toss them. i've waited and waited and waited. i've gotten no response. so now what? i continue to wait and wait and wait. because i honestly don't know the answer. because waiting is all i have left.

a break.

currently listening to: even angels fall/jessica riddle.


whatta weekend.

a friday afternoon at the venue with people who never fail to make me laugh. another printing press overnight with really great, weird friends. one of the bestest (and LONGEST) hugs of my life from one of my bestest friends. sleep. a visiting childhood best friend from the states. watching episodes of my favorite new series. an extremely rare sunday night out with my barkada stuffing our faces with food and drinks and laughing our butts off taking silly pictures. listening to favorite songs. lo0o0ong conversations with both old and new friends over the phone, online, in the 5th floor bathroom, while checking dummy yearbooks, under the stars, over card games and bottles of beer, and outside the house while avoiding strangers at a party.

after reading my previous post, i feel guilty. my shift in moods are always like this, and i can't believe i never seem to remember that it's after all the horribly low 'downs' when one can really appreciate the unbelievably high 'ups'.

and now, i must end my weekend. in two hours, i will wake up, puffy-eyed and panicking because of the volume of work to do this week. i'll be cursing myself the entire week because of the work i didn't do over the weekend. but that's okay. i'll worry about it tomorrow.






and for the record, i am extremely thankful. :)

the final stretch?

currently listening to: break me/jewel.


pressure. one thing college life has taught me to love. one thing that can scare the hell out of me and encourage me to do my best at the same time. and in a way, it's fun. but lately, i'm beginning to crack under all the pressure, and i don't think i can get anymore vulnerable than this.

critical deadlines are getting closer, the crucial dates are approaching much quicker than i thought possible, and as my friend jj says,
it's the final stretch... and it's only now i realize that maybe i've gotten myself into much more than i thought i could handle. i've let everything blow out of proportion, and now, it's too late to handle things the way they should be handled. suddenly, pressure doesn't seem so fun anymore.

i'm all mixed up. i don't know if i'll even get to the final stretch. i'm scared to death. pessimism is beginning to eat me up alive.

my head is on a completely different track from my heart, and i have no idea what i want to do with both. there are too many things to think about and not enough time to think about them all, let alone do anything about them. i'm running out of time when i don't seem to be doing anything worthwhile with it. i'm doing one thing while thinking of another, and so, nothing productive is happening. i have the best of intentions... but they seem to stay intentions, no matter how hard i try.
i seem to be taking too many unnecessary breaks, but i can't stop taking them because i can't breathe without them. but when i stop breathing, the disappointment begins. i feel that i've been nothing but a disappointment lately. to my family, and to my friends who matter most to me, and most of all, to myself. and no matter how much i want to stop disappointing everyone, i can't. because i need to breathe, too.

so many things to say, so many things to do, so many things to know, so many things to remember... and my memory decides to fail me. my body decides to give up on me. my heart decides to stop beating. my passion decides to disappear.

the final stretch? only time will tell.



sigh. and i'm complaining again. i really, really, really HATE myself when i complain!!! abhor! despise! loathe! grrrrrr!!! jeez wenk, you're such a complainer!!! grow up! get your butt off that chair and do something worthwhile for once!!! get a life!!! roar.

wenkgirl.

currently listening to: high/the speaks.


snagged from tiepee's blog.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Wenkgirl!

1. Wenkgirl can taste with her feet.
2. Wenkgirl can fly at an average speed of fifteen kilometres an hour.
3. Most bottles and jars contain at least twenty-five percent recycled wenkgirl!
4. If you drop wenkgirl from more than three metres above ground level, she will always land feet-first.
5. About one tenth of wenkgirl is permanently covered in ice!
6. Wenkgirl was originally green, and actually contained cocaine!
7. In a pinch, the skin from a shark can be used as wenkgirl.
8. In Japan, wenkgirl can only be prepared by chefs specially trained and certified by the government.
9. The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by wenkgirl as she rode out to collect warriors slain in battle.
10. You should always open wenkgirl at least an hour before drinking her.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kris!

1. All shrimp are born as kris, but gradually mature into females.
2. Kris can jump up to sixteen times her own height.
3. You share your birthday with kris.
4. Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover up kris.
5. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at kris.
6. There is no lead in a lead pencil - it is simply a stick of graphite mixed with kris and water!
7. It can take kris several days to move just through one tree.
8. Kris is actually a mammal, not a fish.
9. Kris, from the movie of the same name, had green blood.
10. A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but kris can not!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

else.

currently listening to: sweet pain/blues travelers.


here or there?

sometimes, it's hard to decide where you want to be. sometimes, you find yourself wishing desperately that you were anywhere--anywhere but where you are now. but sometimes, you find yourself in that place called "else", and find yourself wondering why you wanted to be there in the first place. either way, you feel like you lost. there's no real happiness in either "else".

so what do you do?

you wait patiently, and hope that the next "else" is some place you actually want to be in. you make the most out of what you have, and see what happens. you give yourself a reality check and learn to be content with what you have--and where you are.

break me.

currently listening to: epilogue/i love you, you're perfect, now change.



sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

or so we say. or so i say.

maybe we've been hurt by too many words, we've been hurt too many times, that we have become oblivious to the pain. we have become ignorant of the effects that words can have on our lives and the lives of others.

you hear something that you know should hurt you, that should affect you, that should offend you... but somehow, it doesn't. it doesn't matter who else has heard them. it doesn't matter what others think of you after hearing things about you. heck, it doesn't matter if what was said about you wasn't even true.

maybe it's not the words that hurt, but it's who says them about you. it's why they say things about you. it's the fact that you were betrayed by a person you least expected. or maybe you expected it all along, but refused to believe it, because people should be given the benefit of the doubt... but that's another story.

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

wrong.

currently listening to: i've seen better days/blues travelers.



i didn't sleep last night because i couldn't. my heartbeat was so fast that i felt like my heart was about to explode. i was so jittery that the sound of the door closing would be enough to make me jump in my seat. i was nervous, and i felt that the worst of it was coming. but i was wrong--extremely wrong.

because i couldn't sleep, i ended up talking to a friend who i realized i didn't know so well pala. i got out of bed to see my favorite saturday morning breakfast waiting to be eaten. i had a loooong conversation today with a close friend of mine. i got a free dinner (fine, and a conversation =P ) out of my brother. i watched a good movie on HBO. i'm online, chatting with good friends. i'm having lunch with my relatives tomorrow, and although the reason we're having lunch is sad, it's time with family nonetheless. and in the afternoon, i'm watching the play "i love you, you're perfect, now change" with some really fabulous people.

sometimes, we worry over absolutely nothing. we cry and lose our hair over problems that don't exist, and don't need any crying over. there are good things in life too, and sometimes, we just need to look around.

wenk.

currently listening to: delicate/damien rice.

flintstones.

currently listening to: i'm on my way/rich price.


flintstones, meet the flintstones, they're your modern stone-age family...

i woke up to my brother playing this on the piano. i got out of bed and went down to find that my whole family was eating lunch together--at the same time! oh how surprising a moment it was! it was no one's birthday, and we were actually complete at home and not at a restaurant! (sorry, my brother is married and doesn't live at home anymore, and all my siblings are aged 25+...being complete is rare!).

it was quite the weekend. it was full of sleep, music, and a whole lot of being at home. the highlights of the past 2 days are a hug from my sister, a hug from my other sister, going to mass with my brother, the visit from my other brother and his wife, and a sunday lunch at home with my family. period.

i am a family person. i used to be one--and apparently-- i still am one. although i had believed that the "family must always be together!" side of me no longer existed or cared, i turned out to be wrong. and i'm so, so, so glad i am.